Some themes I think need to be explored, maybe in a short story. I’ve been struggling with this idea for a while and it has only become more and more obvious to me. Pain in life is often tied to hope in some way. There are loose connections and there are direct connections, but hope and pain seem to be partners. This is related to the idea of Pandora’s box and how the last evil to be released on humanity was hope. This is something I can work with, the idea of hope causing pain.
When I reflect on my life some of the worst mental anguish I’ve been put through was due to hope and my lack of ability to control it. Without hope though then what is there? The reason I keep moving is because I hope things will get better, when they don’t there’s pain, but I keep going because I’m still hoping.
Next week is a big week for me, potentially life changing, I find myself hoping that things will work out, but I am trying to repress this. I don’t want to hope because I know that it will only make the pain worse when things don’t work out. Without that hope though, in the brief moments I have managed to kill it, there is only depression and pain. Without the hope I’ve already failed, but with the hope I can still delude myself into belief that there is a chance of success.
In an unrelated note, I have almost finished The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand and am finding it a thought provoking read. I don’t stand anywhere on the political spectrum, I am far left and far right, it all depends on the question being asked. I believe in personal freedom over anything, but I also think that basic human needs should be provided by the state, such as health care, education, etc. On the other side I think welfare needs to be reformed and that people on welfare should be required to attend work skill classes and employability workshops in order to keep their welfare. Welfare should be a way to fill a wage gap, or a safety net to catch the suddenly unemployed, not a lifetime program. So you see I am all over the political board, and at the end of the day could care less because the system is broken down to the core. People that want power are those that should be denied it.
The one take away from the book is that I have the freedom to fail, there is no right to success in the world. The idea that if I stick to my beliefs and my work (writing) I will either succeed on my own merit or fail, but fail on my own terms. That to me is the most powerful and redeeming thing that capitalism offers us, the freedom to fail.
Kind of rambling now, so I will stop. Just remember to try for success but embrace failure.