Hope and Pain

Some themes I think need to be explored, maybe in a short story.  I’ve been struggling with this idea for a while and it has only become more and more obvious to me.  Pain in life is often tied to hope in some way.  There are loose connections and there are direct connections, but hope and pain seem to be partners.  This is related to the idea of Pandora’s box and how the last evil to be released on humanity was hope.  This is something I can work with, the idea of hope causing pain.

When I reflect on my life some of the worst mental anguish I’ve been put through was due to hope and my lack of ability to control it.  Without hope though then what is there?  The reason I keep moving is because I hope things will get better, when they don’t there’s pain, but I keep going because I’m still hoping.

Next week is a big week for me, potentially life changing, I find myself hoping that things will work out, but I am trying to repress this.  I don’t want to hope because I know that it will only make the pain worse when things don’t work out.  Without that hope though, in the brief moments I have managed to kill it, there is only depression and pain.  Without the hope I’ve already failed, but with the hope I can still delude myself into belief that there is a chance of success.


In an unrelated note, I have almost finished The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand and am finding it a thought provoking read.  I don’t stand anywhere on the political spectrum, I am far left and far right, it all depends on the question being asked.  I believe in personal freedom over anything, but I also think that basic human needs should be provided by the state, such as health care, education, etc.  On the other side I think welfare needs to be reformed and that people on welfare should be required to attend work skill classes and employability workshops in order to keep their welfare.  Welfare should be a way to fill a wage gap, or a safety net to catch the suddenly unemployed, not a lifetime program.  So you see I am all over the political board, and at the end of the day could care less because the system is broken down to the core.  People that want power are those that should be denied it.

The one take away from the book is that I have the freedom to fail, there is no right to success in the world.  The idea that if I stick to my beliefs and my work (writing) I will either succeed on my own merit or fail, but fail on my own terms.  That to me is the most powerful and redeeming thing that capitalism offers us, the freedom to fail.

Kind of rambling now, so I will stop.  Just remember to try for success but embrace failure.



Pay What You Want

I have now placed my book up for sale as pay what you wish.  I want people to be able to enjoy my work without having to take a risk on a new author.  Feel free to download it for free from mediafire or gumroad (links below) and read it.  If you like it leave a nice comment or review on my Smashwords page, or come back and pay what you think it is worth.  In a way this offer is exclusive to my blog readers because I have not changed the price on Smashwords as I don’t want to mess with my distribution to different vendors.  So feel free, if you haven’t got a copy yet, to grab one for free.  Share it with friends and family if you like it, if you hate it delete it and be glad you didn’t pay, or come back and pay what you think it is worth.  Regardless, I hope you enjoy my hard work and know that it was a lot of hard work and any sign of appreciation is welcome, be it some coins, a few bucks or even a review.

EDIT: I ended the pay what you want deal because I had people buying my book through the various distributors I have used and I realized I was being unfair and exclusionary to a set of readers.  I was essentially pirating myself.  With that said, anyone who wants to read my book but can’t afford it please let me know, send a message, tweet me @CraigHole1 and I will see what can be done.




Charity Drive

Charity Drive

For the next week I will be donating 75% of all purchases made in doge to the doge4water charity (link above). For more details see this reddit post: http://www.reddit.com/r/dogecoin/comments/20f040/i_will_be_donating_75_of_all_sales_of_my_ebook_to/

Where I explain how I will be showing proof of donation.  

Of course you could always donate the cost of the book (about 4000 doge) to the charity and if you send me a message I’ll email you a copy in the format of your choice.  I don’t need any proof of your donation, just let me know you sent some money their way and I’ll send you a copy.  Just doing what I can to help the charity.




A web comic that inspired me

A web comic that inspired me

This web comic inspired me in an interesting way.  Watching him grow as an artist and the struggles he faces and how he faces them inspired me to face my struggles and to keep working even when it got hard.  The constant self doubt, the nagging feeling of not being good enough, the fear of failure and balancing act of life and work are all things I could relate to.  Reading his journal in an illustrated form one feel like they are getting an intimate view into the artist’s life.  We are drawn in and experience the ups and downs of his life like an intimate friend.  It takes a lot of courage to put something like that out there and that courage inspired me to publish my work.

My writing is personal and sending it out into the world was a scary experience.  The world is a mean and nasty place and will beat you to your knees and keep you there, and I was putting a piece of myself out to be ridiculed and torn apart by that world.  Seeing another artist do the same on an almost daily basis pushed me into publishing, gave me the courage to face the world.  I wanted to share his comic with my few readers as I feel it played an important role in my own development as a writer, and it still does.

A note on dogecoin (and cryptocurrency)

So anyone that has been here has probably seen the link on the front page to buy my book for crypto (bitcoin, dogecoin etc.).  I personally prefer doge because I like the community, the fact that the value is not decimal based (like BTC) and the simplicity of it.  I chose to make my book available for sale in this currency because I like to think that it is the future of money.  It is decentralized and allows for a global exchange without the bother of converting currency.  I wanted to contribute to this and did so the only way I knew how.  

I would love to set up an online store as well but lack the tech skills for it, maybe one day when I have time (between writing and work time is pretty limited).  I would love to buy and sell used books for doge, a long term dream perhaps.  That is what makes cryprocurrency so exciting though, it makes doing things like that simple.  I can be international with the only limit being shipping costs.  

So I sell my book for doge because it makes it open and available for more people.  It allows people without credit cards to buy it, it is like selling it for cash which no other platform lets me do (except traditional publishing).  

For anyone interested in learning more about doge coin check out http://dogecoin.com/ 


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The Children of the Earth (chapter 1)

As promised here is the first chapter from my new work coming this August.

Chapter 1

I think there’s something wrong with the poison.  I can feel it burning in my veins, but nothing.  Figures.  I peel my face from the carpet, I was down for less than a minute.  It was a good attempt though, the last poison only had me down for a second, this one stressed the system a lot more, but still nothing.  They thought of everything.

I stand up and look at the empty house, I can still hear them, still feel them.  Like ghosts in the machine, shreds of data left after a delete, burnt images on a screen.  Sean, standing on the stairs tossing Paul over the railing, a little game we liked to play.  King of the stairs, whoever could hold the top the longest won, we would get Jeremiah to time us.  Paul usually won but this time Sean held the top, managed to edge out Paul by a few seconds.  No wonder they made our home out of concrete and metal.  

We couldn’t feel the cold, the dank and dark didn’t bother us.  The lack of furniture didn’t matter, not when we didn’t have to sleep and comfort was a mystery, something from the before time.  

I am one of the few remaining Children of the Earth and I want to die.  I don’t know where the rest of us are.  I know of Alpha squad who started in China, Beijing to be exact, and how they brought the most populous countries population down to half before they were stopped.  I don’t know how they circumvented their handler to do that.  I watched the footage, they didn’t even have weapons, it was all by hand.  They tore you normies apart, threw babies at their mothers with such force that both were killed in a bloody spurt.  

I know of Colin and his rogue fifty, who destroyed all of Europe’s military hardware before their handlers caught on.  He recruited one or two Children from different units to put a slip on the handlers, then they committed systematic sabotage, slowly so as not to attract too much attention.  I think they were all locked up, maybe dead now, maybe left to run dry over the next century.

I know of the hackers who brought the monetary system down, I know of the killings and attacks, rebellions and atrocities committed by the Children.  I know that they were covered up as best as possible.  That was the problem with bringing us back to Earth, all we knew how to do was genocide, and we were good at it.

Then of course there was my squad.  Now, I’m one of the few Children who are alive and free.  As free as I can be while being hunted.  There is an unspoken agreement between us last few free Children and the government.  If we keep our heads down and don’t cause any trouble, we will be left to die in peace.  Problem is, I’m done waiting.  I’m also done killing, I’ve had enough.  One genocide is enough for me.

They never told us what would kill us and what wouldn’t, they didn’t know for sure, and they don’t know how long we will keep running.  Sure we faced a lot in training, faced a lot on the ground but you never know until you try.  So that’s what I’m doing, trying to end it, trying to have control over that part of my life.  It’s been ten years since the war, seven years since all that trouble with the rebellions and the loss of control.  

Seven years alone.  It would get to anyone.  I still feel them in my mind though, some residual connection, some ghost in the machine.  So this is my remembrance to them, my last impact on this earth.  I am writing this to keep us alive, to keep the Children alive.  To keep the sacrifice alive, to make sure you all remember the price paid and to remember those who paid that price.  

We didn’t know what we were doing, I can still barely comprehend it.  All we did was listen and behave like children, we were children, we were still children when we came back.  You all forgot that though, just saw us as heroes and monsters, didn’t know what it had been like, didn’t know how committing genocide would impact a child.  Thing is, it didn’t impact us, most of us at least.  I still have nightmares though, I think I felt it more then them.  They chose children because they knew that we would listen, that killing wouldn’t affect us, that we hadn’t developed a moral system yet.  That to us it would be like a normie child killing ants.  And it was.

So this is my memory, my diary, my last word on this earth.  It might end if I manage to find a way to off myself, it might go on forever, I don’t know.  I’ve tried everything I can think of so far and nothing works.  The poison was the best, the only thing to drop me for any period of time.  Not since the war have I been put out that long.

This should be set to automatically upload upon my death, but who knows if it will work.  I was told it would work, but I’ve been told lots of things in my life that turned out to be lies.  I don’t really care any more.  I just want to do this, write this.  It’s the only therapy I can think of now that Jeremiah’s gone.

The End

The End

It’s read and ebook week starting March 2 and to celebrate my book will be free all week.  Spread the word and check out the other books that will be free or deeply discounted.  Clink the link above.